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Love & Marriage: Are they Antonyms?

Posted by Krishna KBS on February 15, 2008 at 9:42 AM

It's been a while since I posted anything. Almost a year.
I can say that I have been busy, and hence did not find the time to do it. But I would be lying.
So, does it mean I was lazy?
Well, frankly -- the answer is 'yes' and 'no'.
It's not just I was lazy -- though I do admit that I was -- but also the fact that there was not anything about which I felt strongly, and anything that I felt on which I could come up with something new and original to say.
And well, who wants to read something that has already been said a zillion times? I don't..and guess no one does. After all, there is only one person that I can use as a guide as to how others feel about things, right?
And if I don't want to read something, am I right in writing it? Gee! That would make me something like a hack writer, who is paid by the word, and has to write something whether he/she wants to or not.

Anyway, the reason am posting this is that my sister's wedding is round the corner, and that made me think about, well, among other things, about marriage itself.
I don't know if a person can speak about marriage without being married -- like I am; but well, guess you only think about things and wonder about them when you don't have them.
I mean most of us think how it is to be a celebrity. Am sure Sachin Tendulkar and Micheal Jackson and Mike Tyson and Diego Maradona never have to think about it.

Analogies aside, what do we think of when we speak of marriages? Guess the celebration or the festivities associated with it. But is that all?
I don't know.
For me, festivities are for things that need to be celebrated, for things that make us happy, joyful, and so on.
I don't mean that marriages don't make people happy. Probably they do.

But the important thing to remember is that the two persons who are getting married should be happy. But is that always the case?
More often than not we come across unhappy marriages. A question that we need to ask ourselves is "Why?"
Come on! There must be a reason for it, right?

I remember in my last blog I said that happiness is achieved by compromise. So, is it true also in the case of relationships? And marriage, in particular?

I don't know. I think a marriage that is built on the notion of compromise is one of convenience -- and though marriages of convenience more often than not work out, and work out well, there still remains an iota of doubt in at least one person's mind if the other is just biding his/her time. And further a marriage of convenience hardly ever is one of love, and that makes love and marriage antonyms.
Not an ideal situation, surely.

But then life is full of situations where to think about the 'ideal' is not just impractical but also foolish.

However, for once, let us do so! I mean, ideal worlds don't exist, but that didn't stop writers like Plato, and More, and guess many more, to come up with their versions of Utopia. And unless we think of an ideal situation, we don't and we can't ever hope to reach a state where we can aim for it and hopefully achieve it, right?
For instance, the Indian cricket team keeps on building a team for the next world cup with the hope of winning it. It's another matter that they fail more often than not. But that doesn't stop them, does it?
So, well...

OK...enough of digressions.
What is an ideal marriage?
And what are the ingredients of a happy marriage?

The answer is more straight-forward than I thought it was when I started. 'Love'!!

Quite simply, love is the ingredient that is required for a marriage -- heck! for that matter, any relationship to work.
Any relationship -- be it father-son, mother-daughter, brother-sister, and even amongst friends, love is the all-important ingredient.
Which brings us tot the question: What is love?

That's a tough one, I guess -- and would need a whole new blog to answer in detail.
However, let me come up with a succinct answer -- albeit a cheesy one.
Erich Segal in his cult novel, Love Story proclaims that "Love means never having to say sorry".
I don't know what he meant by that. I hope he didn't mean that you can take the other person for granted; as by not maintaining common decency and courtesy we run the risk of doing just that.
But anyway, it is a good definition for starters, and let's try to build with that, rather than commenting on it. OK?

So, where does that leave us?
Love = No Sorry

So, what is meant by "No Sorry"?
Guess it implies (and incorporates) never doing anything that needs a "sorry" to be said. In other words, love means not hurting the other person.
So, we come up with an altogether new formula:
Love = No Hurt

What should we do to not hurt the other person?
The first thing, I would say, that one needs to do to stop hurting another, is understand them, and accept them for what they are, and finally never try to change them.
I mean, if you love someone, it is because of what he/she is. And that includes their family, their habits, their behavioral traits, and so on.
So, why should one anyway want to change a person they love?
Doesn't make sense, does it?

Now, having got the meaning of love out of the way (And trust me, it was quite a difficult question that I answered there. Needed lots of soul searching and what not!!), let us get back to the original question.
Don't tell me you forgot what the original question is. Have you?

Marriage. Happy Marriage. And the ingredients of a happy marriage.

Love is one of the ingredients. But then, as we noticed, love is a necessary ingredient for every relationship. Marriage is different; or should be different.
After all, it's the 'till death do us part' thing, and a necessary yoking together of different cultures and mindsets!!

So, what is it that is needed in marriage that is not needed in other relationships?
The answer depends on what we expect of a relationship.
Well, this might sound like stuff that should be restricted to the "Adults Only" category, but heck, in this age of the internet and free knowledge distribution (or is it dissipation?), does it really matter? I don't think so.

Anyway, what is it that distinguishes marriages from other relationships?
Well, there are by-products of this relationship. Probably it is not something that sounds like a wonderful thing to say, and am sure, most of you would kick me for saying so -- but hey! kids are by-products of marriage.
I never heard of a marriage that occurred because the couple wanted children. And if any couple ever married for children, best of luck to them; but am not really sure that is an ideal situation to be in.
I mean, yes, the destination is important, but only when you are traveling.
In life, it helps to keep a perspective, and try and enjoy the journey as much as the destination. If we look forward to the destination too much, we might end up never completing the journey.
Well, just replace 'destination' with 'ends', and 'journey' with 'means'.
Now, does that make sense?

Well, let us give it another try; shall we?
Replace 'destination' with 'kids', and 'journey' with 'marriage'.

Got it?
Well, guess I can't do anything, except say that you need to read this after you have grown up a bit.

Anyway, now realizing that marriage is different from other relationships in the sense that there is a by-product called children that comes out of it, the next question that needs to be posed, is how does this make marriage different?
The answer is pretty simple.
What is it that we need to do to have children?
Hope this doesn't make you blush or cringe: but frankly, as grownups we can say the word, I guess. Right?
Well, then, Sex.
Unless, of course, you are thinking about artificial insemination, test tube babies, and cloning, and what not. In which case, I may as well point out that none of them need a relationship, leave alone marriage. So, well..

Now, sex needs passion.
Of course, sex does not always lead to children, and all happy marriages do not have children. But as I pointed out earlier, kids are a by-product. But the passion is what I want to highlight, and underline, and stress upon.
For a happy marriage passion is a necessity.
Of course, am using 'passion' as a synonym for 'sex' somehow, am not really comfortable using the other word so many times. Perhaps understandably. What say?

That brings us to the end of the blog..and guess you have been looking forward to it for quite sometime now. Hope you are not. But hey! It was quite lengthy, and I know you have such a lot to say, that you wanted to get to the end, and to the comments section.

So, let me finish the blog, with a pithy summing up of the article (as feel that you might have lost the thread of what I was saying in such a long article.):

Happy Marriage = Love + Passion.

Categories: Philosophy

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Reply N.S.
11:20 AM on February 15, 2008 
For starters, i think the article had to be titled 'The formula for a successful marriage'.Well, it kinda takes the fizz out of the highly romanticized ideas of marriage when you reduce it to a formula at the end. Also, there goes our notions of platonic love, loving the soul and not just the body, et al. Most of us would like a mushier reason to marry. But equating passion with sex not only seems to have made the writer's job less embarrassing, but also makes passion the reason for marriage, which sounds better than just sex. overall, well written. keep it up!
Reply Prerna
2:38 PM on March 13, 2010 
This is some analysis of marriage! Were you in any way trying to scare ppl away from marriage? Well you have surely succeeded with me! Not that I needed any more scaring, but still...
Stumbled across one of my old blog posts and saw ur comment and ur web address and decided to check it out. (This is my blog -
Reply Krishna KBS
4:13 AM on March 16, 2010 
Thank you :)

Want to come up with a similar one on "Love"...and scare ppl away from love :D
But actually wasn't trying to scare anyone...